Overview: Enhancing Relationships Through a Deeper Understanding of Attachment
I want to share about attachment with you, the emotional glue, that forms the foundation of your relationships and how the four attachment styles can impact us and our relationships.
Attachment simply put is how we interact in relationships. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, recognized that, from “cradle to grave” (Bowlby, 1988), humans have a wired-in innate drive to seek and move towards connection comfort and safety.
From birth, we all start off speaking an attachment language. Our cries and coos draw our caregiver close to meet our needs, so we survive and even thrive. How our caregivers respond impacts our attachment system and how we might sense our worth, why is this important?
Because within relationships, no matter our age, we have fundamental needs for connection and how we view ourselves and others has an impact on the quality and sustainability of our relationship.
Sue Johnson tells us for a relationship to thrive, we need to be emotionally responsive to our partner. Irrespective of our attachment, we all seek answers to fundamental questions of the heart:
Will you be there for me? Can I rely on you when I need you? Am I valued by you?
In childhood, we often naturally turn to our parents or caregiver for connection, then as adults, we seek solace from our partner. For example, as a young child, you may have turned to your caregiver for comfort after a hard day at school or sought validation by showing them your excellent report card. Similarly, as an adult, you might reach out to your spouse after a tough day for reassurance or share good news of a promotion to seek attention and validation. Stress and emotional needs activate our attachment system, signaling our need for closeness and affirmation.
Let’s look at the four attachment styles.
Secure attachment- About 50% of people are securely attached. Folks with secure attachment often had caregivers who more often responded quickly and consistently to meet their needs when they were distressed as infant and child. And when disconnection occurred, it was quickly repaired. Why does this matter?
The reliable bond formed between child and parents creates an internal foundation of trust and reliability. Given that there are no perfect parents or people, securely attached folks cope with conflict and stress in relationships, by utilizing adaptive skills such as listening, expressing and holding the value of themselves and their partner to work through distress. They don’t mind being alone but tend to be their best selves in close relationships. Their security provides more resiliency allowing them to bounce back when faced with life challenges such as illness, job loss, moving, retirement, having a child, and death.
Insecure attachment styles:
The next three attachment styles are forms of insecure attachment, which occurs for many reasons such as when a parent has insecure attachment, or needs for safety, comfort, support and attention are not met enough of the time, then attachment wounds form. Everyone has some of these emotional wounds and understanding them can help you move towards bettering caring for us and our partner.
Anxious Attachment aka (Ambivalent insecure attachment)
About 20% of people develop this attachment style due to inconsistent parenting which creates uncertainty in the child, leading to feelings of fear, rejection and even abandonment.
This can trigger the fight response and cause anxiously attached individuals to push and protest for closeness while fearing worthlessness, ultimately pushing their partners away. Anxiously attached adults can be warm and seek closeness but may doubt their partner's love, basing their worth on their partner's care. With education and practice Anxiously attached focus can reduce their fears and connect closely with their partner.
Anxious and avoidant individuals are often attracted to each other, forming a complementary pair that can thrive by each addressing their attachment issues.
Avoidant Attachment
About 25% of individuals have an Avoidant Attachment style. They struggle with intimacy due to childhood experiences of emotional neglect and dismissiveness. They prioritize independence, suppress emotions, so they are not always aware of their own emotions and struggle to recognize their need for nurturing.
Avoidantly attached individuals tend to steer clear of conversations around emotional connection by deflecting conversations, selectively listening, or changing the subject, to shield themselves from their own emotional needs to avoid rejection, as well as the needs of their partner that can feel overwhelming. Support is often helpful for individuals with avoidant attachment to learn how to re-engage in sharing their inner world, and nurture connections through vulnerable communication and care.
Anxious Avoidant Insecure Attachment (aka Disorganized)
About 5% of Individuals with Anxious Avoidant Attachment may have had neglectful, punitive, emotionally absent, and fear instilling parents. This childhood experience leads to confusion and emotional numbness in adult relationships. The original fear of caregivers triggers deep-seated panic, causing emotional fluctuations towards partners in adulthood. anxious-Avoidant folks struggle with trusting themselves and others, feeling undeserving of love, and withdrawing from intimacy despite desiring a relationship.
Anxious-avoidantly attached folks exhibit both proximity seeking and avoidance. That means they seek closeness and then push it away because they didn't have a safe and secure base. The fear and suppression of emotion can be replaced with safety in earned attachment.
Key take away points:
1. Understanding and managing attachment style is crucial for healthy relationships because not understanding your own emotions and your partner's feelings disrupts connection and intimacy, opening the door to conflict, anxiety, depression and can lead us to question ending the relationship.
2. The good news is that our attachment style is malleable, we can learn to be more securely attached because underneath our wounds is a healthy attachment system (Janina Fisher). We all have the neural pathways that give us the ability to connect with others. We can earn secure attachment for us and our partner to become more comfortable with emotions, needs and have more resilience in coping with the challenges of life.
3. Couples therapy is a way to create earned security within a relationship. For more information on therapy to heal attachment wounds and Join us for the "Love Renewed:" course, if you want to move towards a loving connection. Attachment is one of the biggest factors on the health of your relationship. You will understand yourself and your partner and learn ways to connect and so much more!
If you use this information, please give credit to Cynthia Rebholz.
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